Apr 14, 2022, 1:06 AM ETInterview, Fireside Chat

The Top 6 Habits Destroying Your Relationships! - Lewis Howes

Lewis Howes disclosed that he was sexually abused by a babysitter's son at age five, a memory he suppressed and processed for 25 years.
He utilized a photo of his five-year-old self as his phone screensaver for a year to facilitate intensive "inner child" healing therapy.
The abuse, combined with academic struggles (bottom of the class for seven years) and parental neglect, instilled a lifelong narrative of being "unworthy," "unlovable," and "dumb."
His father suffered severe brain trauma in a car accident 17 years ago and passed away a month prior to the interview; Lewis credits this loss with shifting his focus to immediate, meaningful living.
He is currently shifting his healing focus from his five-year-old self to his 11-to-12-year-old self to address further unresolved trauma from that developmental stage.

Howes identified the "biggest killer of relationships" as being out of integrity with one's authentic power, specifically the act of abandoning oneself to create false peace.
He implemented a strict priority hierarchy in his current relationship: 1. Health, 2. Mission, 3. Partner, stating that without the foundation of the first two, he cannot be present for the third.
He explicitly told his partner he would never be her "number one priority" early in the relationship, a statement she accepted because he also possesses a clear life mission.
Howes and his partner conduct a "five-hour relationship workout" with a therapist to discuss values, vision, and lifestyle alignment while the relationship is stable, rather than reacting to conflict.
He resolved a year-long conflict regarding sleep environments (radio noise vs. silence) by explaining the childhood origin of his habit and framing it as a non-negotiable value, which his partner accepted.
He refuses to compromise core values or authentic power, though he is open to compromising on activities or logistics to maintain alignment.

His mission is to serve 100 million lives weekly, a metric he uses to filter opportunities and decisions, refusing projects that do not align with this goal.
Howes overcame a severe fear of public speaking (originating from dyslexia and reading aloud in school) by attending Toastmasters weekly for one year, moving from reading word-for-word to delivering unscripted speeches.
He mastered salsa dancing over 17 years specifically to confront his fear of being judged, transforming a fear into a global connection tool and confidence builder.
He views the "fear crossroads" as a decision point where the "comfortable" choice is actually the higher risk (leading to long-term regret), while the "dark/fearful" path leads to growth.
He abandoned a traditional career path after college due to the 2008 economic crash, living on a sister's couch for a year and a half before building his media empire.

Howes engages in bi-weekly individual therapy and weekly joint therapy with his partner to maintain emotional accountability and prevent unprocessed feelings from causing reactive behavior.
He advocates for men to develop emotional regulation skills similar to physical training, noting that 17 years of trauma prevented him from handling conflict until he sought therapy.
He recommends the book How to Do the Work by Nicole LaPera for individuals seeking to begin self-guided healing rituals if therapy is not immediately accessible.
He defines "courage" not as avoiding failure, but as having the clarity to see that staying in a comfort zone (e.g., remaining in a university degree he didn't want) poses a greater existential risk than taking the leap.
Regarding legacy, he acknowledges the importance of how his actions impact his family and future generations (the "domino effect" of trauma and healing), even if he does not expect to be remembered by name in 200 years.

5 years: The duration Lewis Howes spent in a relationship pattern of people-pleasing before realizing he was abandoning himself.
17 years: The time span of his father's post-accident decline and the period of Lewis's emotional isolation following the accident.
100 million lives: The weekly target metric for his mission to improve quality of life.
6 months: The time Lewis waited before publishing his first podcast episode about his sexual abuse due to fear of reputation damage.
20%: The protein content in the Huel salted caramel shake he uses for dietary maintenance (mentioned in sponsorship segment).
$25: The price of the book How to Do the Work recommended as a starting point for self-healing.
30+ points: The number of lifestyle, vision, and value discrepancies Lewis and his partner resolved during their joint therapy session.

"If someone is okay with [who you are], great. And if they're not, then maybe you're not in alignment and that's okay."
"You can't buy peace. We must be peace."
"If it was all over in a day, in a month, in a year, is this something I would say yes to?" (Decision-making filter)
"I'm willing to walk away at any moment... but I'm not going to change who I am." (Commitment stance)
"The biggest killer of relationships is not healing."
"I'm willing to lose everything if I can help one man heal from what they've been through."
"The only way this works is... I'm willing to walk away at any moment." (Prerequisite for authentic intimacy)