Oct 17, 2022, 1:00 AM ETInterview

World’s No.1 Matchmaker: How To FIND And KEEP Real Love!: Paul Brunson | E187

Paul Brunson is a matchmaker known as the world's most influential in his field, currently co-hosting Married at First Sight UK and Celebs Go Dating, and contributing to Good Morning America and The Lorraine Show.
Early Life: Born in Jamaica, Queens, he was the first Black family in his Long Island neighborhood, where he faced racism and physical assault, instilling a lifelong drive to champion "the outsider."
Career Pivot: Originally worked in investment banking, he left after observing a culture that prioritized work over family life (e.g., a boss working while his wife gave birth).
Entrepreneurship: At age 30, he founded his matchmaking agency after meeting Enver Ucal; he initially raised funds for a non-profit and leveraged his DC networking skills.

Attachment Styles: Brunson identifies three primary styles—secure, anxious, and avoidant—arguing that early parental modeling determines adult attachment behaviors.
- Avoidant: Often self-sustaining entrepreneurs who suppress emotions to avoid vulnerability.
- Anxious: Often arise from inconsistent parenting, leading to a need for constant reassurance.
- Secure: Can help shift avoidant or anxious partners toward security through consistency.
Emotional Intimacy: He posits that without the ability to articulate emotions and distinguish between feelings and emotions, individuals cannot form true relationships, only "situationships" or acquaintanceships.
Gender Feedback Loops:
- Women: Benefit from a "feedback loop" where dating experiences are debriefed with friends, allowing them to refine social and romantic skills over time.
- Men: Often lack this feedback, leading to poor performance in relationships and a tendency to avoid emotional confrontation.
Loneliness & Physiology: Chronic loneliness triggers a primal "self-preservation" state, disrupting sleep patterns and increasing resentment, effectively mirroring ancestral survival mechanisms against predators.
- Demographic Impact: Brunson identifies wealthy, successful men (specifically divorced investment bankers in their 40s) as the most vulnerable to crushing loneliness due to the realization that their professional accolades do not equate to personal connection.

Love Languages: Citing Gary Chapman, Brunson emphasizes that partners must speak the specific "love language" of the other (e.g., gifts, acts of service) rather than projecting their own.
- Personal Example: He overcame marital strife by realizing his wife's demand for gifts was her primary love language, not materialism.
The "Bids" Theory: Successful relationships function as a constant "tennis match" of bids for connection; partners must be willing to "hit the ball" multiple times (5-6 bids) before receiving a return.
Decision Making ("Decide vs. Slide"): Compatibility relies on the ability to make collaborative decisions together rather than deferring choices to one partner ("sliding").
Engagement Duration: Couples engaged for two years show a significantly lower divorce rate (dropping from ~35-50% to ~20-22%) as it allows time to test compatibility under stress.
Sexual Compatibility:
- Physical vs. Sexual Attraction: One can be physically attracted to someone without having sexual chemistry.
- Sexual Languages: Men and women often possess different "sexual languages" (e.g., specific fetishes, contexts, or the need for clitoral stimulation).
- Statistics: 70–80% of women require clitoral stimulation for satisfaction, a fact often overlooked due to reliance on pornography as a primary sexual educator.

First Date Strategy: Brunson advises against high-investment dates (dinners, alcohol) which create pressure and set expectations for marriage too early.
- Recommendation: Use low-stakes "meetups" like 30-minute coffee walks or lunch dates to assess minimal physical attraction and mutual listening skills.
- Filter: Suggesting a daytime coffee meetup acts as a safety filter to weed out individuals with purely sexual agendas.
The Paradox of Choice: Citing Barry Schwartz, he notes that while dating apps offer endless options, this abundance leads to lower satisfaction and a "disposable" mindset where users assume better options always exist.
- Counter-Proposal: He suggests a theoretical app limited to three options per week to increase the value placed on the chosen match.
Honesty: On the first date, users are meeting a "representative" of the person; deep vulnerability regarding trauma should be withheld until a foundation of trust is established.
Contextual Factors: Politics has become a primary compatibility metric, with a vast majority of women unwilling to engage sexually with a partner holding opposing political views.

Quality Over Quantity: Brunson launched a YouTube series in 2009 that received only 11 views weekly, including one from Oprah Winfrey, which led to a career-defining TV show opportunity.
Lagging Metrics: He emphasizes focusing on "input" metrics (quality of work) rather than "output" metrics (views/subscribers), noting that significant success often follows a long period of flat growth.
Weak Ties Theory: Citing Mark Granovetter, he argues that major opportunities arise from "weak ties" (acquaintances) rather than close friends; he and his mentors (Oprah, Enver Ucal) intentionally networked by hosting dinners with eclectic groups to strengthen these weak ties.

Intentional Time: Despite a heavy TV schedule, he prioritizes intentional, phone-free moments with family, such as walking children to school or breakfast, practicing daily gratitude for these interactions.
Resilience & Community: He cites the example of his 111-year-old aunt, who maintains her longevity through daily social connections, reinforcing that social health is as critical as physical health.
Handling Grief: Following family deaths, he emphasizes the importance of having a will and pre-planning funeral arrangements to spare loved ones from decision-making during grief.
Karma & Service: He operates on a belief in "planting seeds" of kindness without expectation of immediate return, having converted the podcast team into "disciples" of his approach to treating people with genuine care.